I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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