We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
In other news, I just burned my penis
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Randomize
