I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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