What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Randomize
