mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I think we might need a safe word for this...
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
