last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
