i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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