my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I have fence marks all over my body
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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