Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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