The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize
