I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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