Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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