you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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