Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Randomize
