I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Randomize
