when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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