This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
And the cops told us we were all naked.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
