I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
