Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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