On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
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