she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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