Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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