just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
I need moral support for this bender
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
