i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
operation harelip BJ is a go
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
