the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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