Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Randomize
