I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
