I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Randomize
