dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
