when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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