3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
