She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
The power of my boobs compel you
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Randomize
