Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
you traded sex for a burrito?
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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