I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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