paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
