Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
