we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
