guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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