Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
