what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Randomize
