I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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