i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Randomize
