when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Such a big mess for such a small penis
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
