You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
