if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
You smell like stripper and shame
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I still have a little drunk in my system
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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