mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
