So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
