I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
