Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
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