Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
