I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
We had sex on a dog bed..
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
