haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
