im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
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