So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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