Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
