what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
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